My whole focus in writing various blogs, has been to come from the best side within myself. The reason I got this blog series going, is that writing from the best side all of the time, seems to be idealistic, unrealistic, and not that human. Hence the attempt to balance out the picture by showing that I am human, and do get to wear the same hats that each and every other human being does. Hence this one blog about my bad side, as we all have a good side, and a bad side. I have always maintained that we get what we feed, hence my attempt to always feed the good perspective. I do show the other side in these blogs, though still try to finish on a positive note, other than a depressive, and jaded point of view.
Coming from my bad side is never nice, even to me. From earliest memory, I have had anger from having to leave my favourite farm behind that was the first to my consciousness at the small age of two. That has left fifty four years for which to carry these negative feelings, where it has only been in the past decade and a half where I began to see where it all came from. When coming from my anger, frustration is often a resulting key that is activated, and if I can go beyond the words and criticisms of the moment, a very different view is had than the conversation which releases like a valve, the anger and frustration within. When these things do come out, I am hard to get along with, vexatious, arrogant, unwilling to listen, and petulant. I brood, and the heaviness is felt around me like a heavy fog penetrating all those sitting around me, or within my presence. It is from such heaviness that I see the need to walk lightly with life, and the need to talk softly. It is from such negative feelings towards myself of self pity, that I get to see the need for personal forgiveness, and being nice and gentle to myself. Sometimes no lesson is learnt at all, and the anger is needing some good physical work to be allowed to flow.
Like an eleven year old boy I was with the other day, who has his own anger issues, due to his dad not long ago having committed suicide; he needed an outlet, so with a big hammer, we demolished an old loveseat, and then burnt the separated items. He loved the exercise, and after completing the deed, we played a physical game together, where the fun and joy was allowed to bubble up after the negative flow of energy had run its course.
Many times through my life, my pain has been pushed around, and my loving partners have taken the brunt of it, and shown me only love in return. It took many years for me to learn that it was love that was needed, and what it was all about. After many years at the hands of some excellent female teachers, including my most loving female Birman cat, I got to see what I only had paid lip service to, for far too long. Even though the integration is now happening, perhaps far too late for my own good, at least it is happening. Already the damage has happened, and my loving cat has long ago gone to cat heaven, and my soulmate has long ago given up on me and my wandering nature. In pain have I learnt my lessons, and to learn to dance without the pain, and to go forward with lightness of being, perhaps the biggest challenge facing this male.
I do not make excuses for being human with a bad side, neither am I in the place of beating myself up for the things I have done wrong that could have been done differently or better. At least I have now come to a place where I can objectively look at myself, though when in the midst of it, plates can still be broken out of anger and the heat of a moment! I still wrestle with aspects of myself that are sometimes hard to control given the right circumstances. I look at alcohol, and its predictable results, and how some of my friends are different people after too much to drink. I don’t even like the people they evolve into after just a few drinks, and have seen some friends become quite abnoxious, and insulting to another friend, under the influence. I do not look for those kinds of excuses, nor seek to find solace by so doing such habits and patterns if need be, but do recognize that many humans do go down that path, along with others that equally make a fool of us all.
So when I look at the bad side of myself, and the critical, and judgemental place I can sink; I often decide that this side I do not like to feed more than I have to, and would rather walk around a situation that takes me into this place within. Sometimes it is inescapable, and I have to face the fact that I have a further lesson to learn, and am plunged into less than nice situation. Most of the time, I come from my best side, but this is a report of when I come from parts of myself that I still struggle with, just like any other human on this planet.
Windstill
Coming from my bad side is never nice, even to me. From earliest memory, I have had anger from having to leave my favourite farm behind that was the first to my consciousness at the small age of two. That has left fifty four years for which to carry these negative feelings, where it has only been in the past decade and a half where I began to see where it all came from. When coming from my anger, frustration is often a resulting key that is activated, and if I can go beyond the words and criticisms of the moment, a very different view is had than the conversation which releases like a valve, the anger and frustration within. When these things do come out, I am hard to get along with, vexatious, arrogant, unwilling to listen, and petulant. I brood, and the heaviness is felt around me like a heavy fog penetrating all those sitting around me, or within my presence. It is from such heaviness that I see the need to walk lightly with life, and the need to talk softly. It is from such negative feelings towards myself of self pity, that I get to see the need for personal forgiveness, and being nice and gentle to myself. Sometimes no lesson is learnt at all, and the anger is needing some good physical work to be allowed to flow.
Like an eleven year old boy I was with the other day, who has his own anger issues, due to his dad not long ago having committed suicide; he needed an outlet, so with a big hammer, we demolished an old loveseat, and then burnt the separated items. He loved the exercise, and after completing the deed, we played a physical game together, where the fun and joy was allowed to bubble up after the negative flow of energy had run its course.
Many times through my life, my pain has been pushed around, and my loving partners have taken the brunt of it, and shown me only love in return. It took many years for me to learn that it was love that was needed, and what it was all about. After many years at the hands of some excellent female teachers, including my most loving female Birman cat, I got to see what I only had paid lip service to, for far too long. Even though the integration is now happening, perhaps far too late for my own good, at least it is happening. Already the damage has happened, and my loving cat has long ago gone to cat heaven, and my soulmate has long ago given up on me and my wandering nature. In pain have I learnt my lessons, and to learn to dance without the pain, and to go forward with lightness of being, perhaps the biggest challenge facing this male.
I do not make excuses for being human with a bad side, neither am I in the place of beating myself up for the things I have done wrong that could have been done differently or better. At least I have now come to a place where I can objectively look at myself, though when in the midst of it, plates can still be broken out of anger and the heat of a moment! I still wrestle with aspects of myself that are sometimes hard to control given the right circumstances. I look at alcohol, and its predictable results, and how some of my friends are different people after too much to drink. I don’t even like the people they evolve into after just a few drinks, and have seen some friends become quite abnoxious, and insulting to another friend, under the influence. I do not look for those kinds of excuses, nor seek to find solace by so doing such habits and patterns if need be, but do recognize that many humans do go down that path, along with others that equally make a fool of us all.
So when I look at the bad side of myself, and the critical, and judgemental place I can sink; I often decide that this side I do not like to feed more than I have to, and would rather walk around a situation that takes me into this place within. Sometimes it is inescapable, and I have to face the fact that I have a further lesson to learn, and am plunged into less than nice situation. Most of the time, I come from my best side, but this is a report of when I come from parts of myself that I still struggle with, just like any other human on this planet.
Windstill
NEW ENTRY
Even Mother Country has a bad side! Step on a snake, and find out! Or walk off a cliff and find that there is bad to experience if some boundaries are crossed. If we are not careful, we can walk straight into what I call, the bad side of life. Walking into a post is never nice, as I ran into a steel post on the Albury station in 1954 that gave me two whopping black eyes that took forever to heal! There are boundaries needing to be noted. To discount them, is to step onto the bad side of experience. Yet as a child, some cannot be told not to play with the matches, till they find out for themselves what happens from so doing. And so it is with life. In our adventures, we still need an element of caution to be used, rather than barrelling over a rapid not knowing it is a waterfall! Better to check out first, than face the consequences later. And so, we all have a bad side, that shows where even our own boundaries lie. They have a right to be there, just as our ego does; and if they are seen, then wisely rather than just reacting, sometimes it might pay to take a step back, and observe things from afar, as to what is going on, before further action is taken. These things are there for a reason, and we do reflect the bad even in nature inside of ourselves when given the right circumstance. Without judgement, we need to learn the lessons provided from such bad experiences. Otherwise they are bound to repeat.......
Pop Mybarnj 7
Saturday, June 13, 2015
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